Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
