alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
