i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The air was thick with penises
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
