Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Can I color on your dick again?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
