tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
