Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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