The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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