sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
