I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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