Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We're too hungover to prance.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
