remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
