I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
