I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
