i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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