he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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