I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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