Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
