between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
