I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
