I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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