i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
