Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
