a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
