I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
