I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
