i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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