I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
