idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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