i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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