i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
