I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
