Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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