WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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