there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He passed out mid-signature
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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