i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
worst night to have a conscience
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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