i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
