I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Drunk is not a location!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
