Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize