Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
