youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
