i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
