Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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