he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Semen is not good for contacts.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize