Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
