you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So apparently I’m into choking now
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