take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
