I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
