My first STD was from a foam party
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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