i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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