How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
