He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize