Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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