proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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