dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
