i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
