life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
