and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
