WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
