just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
