i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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