I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize