I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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