i was born a porn star she said
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
