Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
