My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
