my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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