I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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